When you feel life shit and are depressed, time seems to go in slow motion. Each day feels like a million years. This week feels like it’s been an eternity. Each minute of each day is just agonizingly long. I’ve only been to work 2 days this week, but it’s felt like an eternal hell that never ever ends. It feels like forever since Monday when she broke things off with me, but it feels like I’ve done nothing but think about her for hours and hours and hours and hours.

I don’t think I was think much about […]

I think I’m ok about her now. Not fully ok, but ok enough. I only knew her a month, yet somehow it effected me so much. But only knowing her a month probably allowed me to bounce back so fast. Barely any memories of her to mourn. More than anything I mourn what could’ve been. I wish I found her sooner. I wish I knew if it hurt her as much as it hurt me. I wish I could get it right. With her it was right person, wrong time. With the other it was wrong […]

A lot of people’s suffering hardly matters to me because it is not relatable. What do you mean you’re still congenial despite it, and what do you mean you have enough energy to talk about it and/or do what needs to be done anyway? I have always taken it out on others and right now especially I have been making suicide threats. I am angry, but moreso I cannot stand to accept my current problems. I don’t know what to do. I am not a good person, obviously, and I think the only solution to that is NOT surrounding yourself with people on the up […]

I’ve made it a point not to ask God for anything. Not for acceptance into a PhD program, not for a girlfriend, not for happiness. Nothing. The only thing I will ever ask God for is the strength to take my own life. Or it was. The girl I was seeing hadn’t been responsive for the past week. She completely ignored my birthday wishes and I hadn’t heard anything from her. The old scars from being ghosted started to throb again. So I broke down. I asked God for closure on this. Not for her […]

Sometimes I can’t find the words to write. I can’t find the right things to say or how to form complete sentences. What i do know is that I’m proud of how far I’ve come even with my setbacks. I’m proud to be alive for right now. I’m proud to have a fulfilling career. What I’m not proud to say is that everything isn’t enough. I want everything. I know that isn’t plausible or fair. I’ve set goals for myself that are too high and in my crazy, unstable brain i have to keep them knowing i will never meet them.

I’ve been struggling really bad […]

Always at the mercy of other people. Never the one on top. Always begging and pleading for something. Affection, validation, purpose. Always granted by other people. Never able to be taken for myself. That’s why I want my boat. Never to be at the mercy of anyone ever again. Taking my existence for myself. Something nobody can take or withhold from me. One half of all my problems can be solved if I could just leave and be alone. Away from everyone.

My name is Sherri and I’m a freelance writer working on a story about pro-suicide media. I was wondering if any of you have experiences with pro-suicide chat rooms/ forums/sites that you might be open to sharing. I know this is a very sensitive topic, so no pressure whatsoever, but if you do feel comfortable sharing a story I would really appreciate the insight. Shoot me an email at [email protected] Thanks for your help!

There’s a documentary called The Bridge from 2006 that set up cameras to capture actual people jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge. One of those people was a guy named Gene. The documentary researched his backstory.

One detail they highlighted was how he wanted to move to the east coast, and after he died they found a message on his answering machine that he just got a job opportunity on the east coast. The documentary kinda framed it as a tragic too-late thing. Like if he had only held on another day his life would’ve turned around, but while that’s a catchy plot twist for a […]

tomorrow’s my birthday. it’s cliche, but i’ve never really liked my birthday, ever since i was younger. there’s just something about it, i used to feel so excited, thinking people were gonna be more excited than i was about it, no idea why. i guess i was quick to realize that it wasn’t all that. family stuff that is just really no one’s fault and it’s not something that can be changed switches around a few expectations for lots of events and holidays. birthdays included.

nowadays i tell myself and everyone that i sincerely do not care about my birthday, that it’s just another day. but […]

This world is like some kind of prison. This existance is moody, bloody and kinda stupid. But something still keeps me a little attached to it. Things repeat. Cycles. Become aware.
I want to change these things but how. Is it possible.

I deleted her contact and all of the texts between us. Things have been so bad for me mentally as of late and I was using our past conversations to further torture myself. I really wish I could say I feel better for doing it but I just don’t. In one hour it will be around 24 hours since I did it and I still regret it so much. I know I haven’t spoken to her in 5 years and I know we were never together and she never loved me but I still miss her so much. I miss her like she’s dead. […]

(it’s in indonesian btw, my home language, i just want to share it here as sort of a ‘documentary’, ‘legacy’, or ‘proof/evidence’ of my existence… )

https://chatgpt.com/share/6acbde95-5b64-83ec-ab65-c3aa75107aef

I hate everything about myself, and I want to die. I ruin everything. There was no point to me being born.

I imagine if I could die for a little bit with the possibility to return back to life without problems when I want
I imagine if I and others could survive with just water or sunlight without having to kill anything, that would feel nice

There are mainly two reason why I will frequently post on here. One is a crisis over my career. The other is a crisis over a girl. It’s the second one this time.

I remember a few years ago going on and on and on about the one from high school. About how I wonder what I did wrong. About how she probably never cared about me to begin with. About what a mistake it was to show her this. Post after post after post. All just whining about the same thing. Eventually I got better once […]

After I took out the trash I closed my front door and just sat in the hallway. I needed to stop for a moment. Just not move or think about anything. I kept telling myself that nothing existed outside this room. Not the girl I was seeing, not the PhD programs I was applying to, not my co workers, not my parents. Nothing. And I was the only thing that existed. I kept telling myself that over and over and over again trying to make myself believe it. That way I could relax for one moment and […]

The silence, I cannot take the silence anymore. I want to scream, to wail, to cry as loud as I need. But I cannot be caught that way. So instead I force it down. There are too many things piling up, and I cannot handle it all. Im tired no matter how much I sleep. Theyre watching, and honestly, im scared. But Theres nobody I can tell any of this to. So im trapped in this suffocating silence and I just can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do

I don’t know if this is true in all cases, but another reason why I admire people who may be depressed is that there is strength in giving up sometimes. Who else can look reality in the face and be like, it IS bad? So many of us including myself run on hopes, and would rather live chasing life. To clarify, I’m not really talking about the phenomena of bedrotting or avoidance – I’m kind of talking about those steely people who’ve just determined nothing is going to go their way in life and who.. maybe not make peace with it but are sure of […]

I’ve come across maybe two philosophical instances that made me reflect inwardly on what I… want? from life.

One was an Alan Watts talk that spoke on how “we are the universe that is just jazzed up,” or something, and the universe is trying to see how jazzed up it can get – and that spoke to me.
It felt profound in a way I really appreciated. It’s at it’s base nihilistic – or cyclical in some way, instinctual, but… it was a description of nature that I… I guess wanted to be true to some degree at first.
I still appreciate the sentiment, […]

Literally nothing matters anymore