Soon almost 5 years ago, when i was 16, I “ran away” from a youth and child psych ward. I wasnt even there because of an placement order or something like that. Although something like that threatened to happen back then but it didnt. I was in such psych wards constantly. Sometimes the Police escorted me, sometimes people i used to meet and do drugs with, sometimes my progenitor.
I didnt like being there and when having a 15 minutes’ leave to smoke a cigarette i just decided to not come back stay longer then im allowed to talk to people about my age also […]

That would be me.

The fact that I was born to TWO shitty parents who never gave a shit about me and abused me physically and verbally my whole childhood AND adult life.

The fact that I grew up in extreme poverty as a child (think no money fir heat, school supplies, socks, etc).

The fact that some guy didn’t feel like stopping at the red light and ran me over and I’m now fucking disabled.

The Universe said “Nah, that’s not enough torment. Why don’t we fuck her over MORE? with EVERY DAY little things as well?

So yesterday, I had a package containing […]

How TF are we supposed to keep track of what is “ok” to say or not?

Most of the depression/trauma/suicide online groups say you MUST state: “Trigger Warning.” Well, this group I saw today says you will be BANNED if you write “Trigger Warning” on your posts. So which is it? How are you going to remember every group’s rules?

There’s another group called “Relationship Issues, Venting, Trauma, and Healing, Straight Talk!” but we are NOT allowed to use the N word- no not that N word, this N word- “Narcissist.” In the rules- Using that word will get you […]

Single digit now. Got three interviews this past week and my mentors are finally getting back to me about job leads. You’d think that that would mean things are looking up. That I might actually make it out before 6 months are up. It’s just a ruse. Something to get my hopes up just to have it pull out from under me like always. These interviews and leads will lead no where. Like they always do. I’m here forever. My own personal hell.

Had my psychiatry appointment today. It was as pointless as I expected it […]

Sigh. I’m just tired of it all. Life is a rigged game and we are all losing.

It’s like having your legs tied, or cut off, or carrying a heavy 100 lb bag, and you’re expected to “win” this race where other ppl are on this racetrack with ferrari’s. Or even bicycles (middle class). Even a bicycle is better than being put on this racetrack with NO shoes- I LITERALLY grew up not having a pair of sneakers that fit or didn’t have holes in it.

Like HOW are we suppose to “win” or get to the end of the racetrack when […]

Pretty much EVERY article and EVERY psychologist out there says “there’s no such thing as luck” but I find that to be bullshit.

Some ppl DO have more bad luck than others, and some ppl ARE very lucky. And then there’s some ppl like me who are exceedingly unlucky. I know of one other person IRL who has almost as bad luck as I do. Although I guess after 50 years, his luck has finally turned (or at least it’s become more 40/60 rather than 20/80 like it was).

What about all the starving children in Africa? Or the kids who […]

I’m gay and 53. Right now I want to be neither, and it seems like not being alive is the solution.

Honestly I’m exhausted. It’s been a long road, and always a struggle of some kind. Now that I’m middle-aged, I just don’t want this. In the gay community I feel invisible, and this is after being gay separated me from my family and created friction at work. Did I mention I just want to not be gay or 53? I guess being dead is the next best thing.

My family was, to be blunt, a shit show. Dad was physically and emotionally abusive, and mom was […]

I recently got a reminder that I am actually doing an amazing job, quantifiably amazing in terms of productivity, money, and good old fashioned balls, but it’s not enough and it’s certainly not saving me from an impending catastrophe you can’t imagine.

It’s so fucked up to know you’re literally doing the best job, better than anyone else could ever hope to pull off, and it’s still worth nothing. Like being in some sports competition where you’re scoring every point that can possibly be scored, and yet somehow you’re still so fucking far behind that you know you can’t win. What’s the point? Really what’s the […]

1- it’s hilarious as fuck. I’ve only seen clips- bits and pieces OTHER podcasters have clipped.

2- Can anyone send me a link to the FULL parody video? I can’t find the original full one. I don’t see it on Druski’s X account either? (Yes I know. He was sent a cease and desist letter from Erika evil eyes Kirk). I want to see the FULL video, not just the same few seconds everyone clipped.

Anyone remember “the outer limits”?

That’s pretty our life- the rich control everything we see and hear (a little less now that the internet exists as they can’t control it 100% like they used to with TV/radio/newspapers like in the past) – but THEY still control 98%- THEY control the ppl at Google, FB, TikTok etc and our “news”/info is heavily censored/biased.

It went exactly how I expected it to go. Or how I knew it would go at least. I had two conversations that lasted maybe a minute each. Both women seemed somewhat uncomfortable by me. I played two games of smash melee and then I left. That was around 150 bucks if you include the ticket, parking, going to do my hair, the over priced burger and fries I bought there, etc. I knew it wouldn’t work. It never works. But I deluded myself into trying anyways. Or at least say that I’d try and then […]

My heart hurts, and I have no one to talk to about it. But I know that carrying the weight is toxic for my soul, so Im unloading it here. That way, I can maybe free myself up a little to move on with my day feeling a little more positively.

Someone who has been in my life for the last five years doesn’t want me around anymore. We live together, but in a little more than a week, Im moving out.  I really dont want to. I still care about them a lot. Very, very much. But they dont feel the same anymore, and none […]

you convinced me anyone who dared approach my heart would crawl back battered, their skin coated with deep gashes and their body aching with violet bruises. you made my words out to be bullets from a firing tongue, deeming their only purpose was to wound — but it was your hand resting on the trigger, beckoning the stinging venom that spilled from my mouth. a child who is born in a burning house believes the entire world is on fire, and i do not know who i am if not the ashes from your flames.

Continuing my exploration of suicide authors (those who either killed themselves, experienced it second hand or wrote extensively on the subject). I think this is #5, David Foster Wallace, the one I’d been avoiding because I know how supernaturally intelligent he was, as well as cynical, and was worried he’d somehow convince me to wax myself which I’m not quite ready for yet.

The book is “this is water” which is so short you can literally read it in 20 mins. It’s about 100 pages with 1 sentence per page. The whole thing was transcribed from his speech to the graduating class of some prestigious college […]

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2026/mar/26/spanish-woman-wins-legal-battle-to-end-her-life-under-euthanasia-law
https://www.euronews.com/health/2026/03/26/young-spanish-woman

“Let’s see if I can rest now because I can’t go on. I can’t go on with this family, I can’t go on with the pain and I can’t go on with all the stuff that’s tormenting my mind.”

Castillo said she had made the decision for herself and she did not want to be seen as “an example to anyone”.

She added: “I don’t want anyone to follow in my footsteps. I don’t want there to be people asking how the process works because they want euthanasia and they want to know how it’s done.

If you’re drowning you can’t be saved by someone else who’s drowning worse than you. There’s this annoying fallacy promoted by Hollywood and all the pulp romance novelists that, in the absence of Prince/Princess charming, two peasants can save each other. Sure I guess if they’re happy being peasants in love. But if the goal is to live in an enchanted castle, or even just a cottage that’s paid for, someone’s gotta foot the bill. Two peasants in debt will only drag each other down harder.

In the real world, not Disney fiction, those of us who are stuck in the shit are each looking to […]

Another low hit me today. I couldn’t get it out of my head. That I was trapped in this hell of my own making. The culmination of all my failures. That there was no way to escape. I wore an angry sad expression my entire shift. I couldn’t help it. My face naturally contorted that way. I was angry.

One way or the other. I need to go one way or the other. Because staying like this is not an option. I either have to become better and be able to reach my purpose […]

Anyone regret either doing something or not something where the results/consequences were life altering? Like you were stupid and made the wrong decision?

I didn’t do the usual things that most ppl do to fuck up their lives like drugs or alcohol but something stupid and I can’t go back in time to undo it.

Like something that caused permanent physical damage kind of thing. Like a suicide attempt or deep cutting or anorexia type of thing (no I did not do those) but along those lines. Where it permanently damaged you? (No that’s not the cause of my initial disability)

What if we accidentally […]

I’m sitting here at the library at this table. There is literally a sign on the table that says no food.

So what happens? This rude ass Russian mother plops down with her kid and starts eating and talking nonstop. Noisy and rude af. She is LITERALLY sitting right NEXT to the no food sign.

Not only that, but she keeps yelling at the kid the whole first half hour. The kid, to her credit, is actually pretty well behaved. Much better behaved than the shitty rude ass mother. I don’t even like kids so for me to say the kid was ok says […]

there is a young girl i once knew.  she seems like a distant memory now, falling between the cracks of my mind every time i try to grasp onto her, but i am very certain i know her. i cannot remember who she is, but sometimes a fleeting image of her passes through my head and my bones are wrecked with this strange feeling, unlike anything i’ve ever felt before. it is a sort of yearning, a maternal longing to reach out to stroke her soft skin, to press my ear against her chest and listen to her fragile heartbeat, or to wrap her up […]