I wasn’t always a nerd-in grade school I was kind of popular and a bit of class clown but also smart. Though I got a little more nerdy (and had nerdy friends) near the end of grade school and high school. Then genetics kicked in for me, in a good way…I started looking better end of HS and entering university.

I was going through a lot of hell in that time…and I realized that my life mostly consisted of pointless suffering, even today. Though I’m more sensible and pragmatic about it now and know its my socioeconomic status that has me in bad situations and largely […]

In the digital age, with a healthy disregard for the law, you can download and watch almost any movie that’s on public record. I’m not just talking about the box office hits but the obscure, non-Hollywood, indie, foreign or art films just as well as amateur slasher flicks and goofy stuff, whatever appeals to you.

You could conceivably spend an entire lifetime watching movies every waking hour, whenever you’re not doing whatever functional tasks that are required for survival; your hours in the movie screen could outnumber your real world hours. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Not in this world.

There’s a line in […]

There’s a Greek myth about this guy name Tantalus whose eternal punishment was to stand in a pool of water under a tree full of all different sorts of fruits. Every time he tried to reach up to grab a fruit, the branch would grow just out of his reach. Every time he bent down to scoop some water into his mouth, the water would recede and vanish. And he would do this forever. But imagine if for the briefest moment he got the tiniest sliver of fruit or a drop of water. And then his punishment goes on as […]

it’s been a difficult month to get through. i generally struggle a lot, but ohhhh boy it’s been heavy lately. i realize how people sometimes only ask about how you feel out of obligation, because when i actually open up about how i’m feeling, i end up on delivered for weeks. gets to a point where i just deleted the messages; it felt so embarrassing to see them every single time i open the app.

and so i won’t open up like that anymore. at least not to that same person. i’m so exhausted, i just can’t pull myself together. i’m tired of everyone expecting […]

school, assignments, projects, tests, violin, extracurriculars, science Olympiad notes, practice, caring for animals, plants, cleaning, cleaning, cleaning, smiling and laughing on cue again and again and again as the days repeat endlessly, as lost and empty as I am

I  December of 2022 I took 32 over the counter Aleve sleeping tablets intentionally in an attempt to end my own life! Due to post partum depression, major depressive disorder with severe and recurrent psychosis, Scitzoaffective Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Separation Anxiety and a TBI, and the simple fact that I also have separation anxiety related to my traumatic brain injury and life events that I have been through and because I didn’t have any contact or communication with my Baby Mom who was a part of my life for 23 years until 2026 when she decided to cut all ties with me over a piece […]

When I think about how I or other people engage in others’ suffering, it almost seems like they view someone going through something as a roadside attraction. I have most likely been a target of this. A feeling of good fortune (‘that’s not me’) and a hopeful attitude of someone’s “potential” for a positive trajectory as well as interest in their unique problem(s) is the experience. Many a hero’s journey or other literary construction is what people are attracted to. That vulnerability as well – “I can talk to this person.” And maybe underneath that, “I can become codependent with them.” The codependency could be […]

We’re brainwashed in grade school to believe that being “special” is a good thing. Like it’s some badge of honor to be different from the rest, some evolutionary prize. And then they hit you with the punchline: “Everyone’s special!”

Fast forward. Not everyone is special, and that’s because nature is designed to favor conformity. The herd stays safe. The outliers get picked off.

Everyone on this site has probably realized it in some form because we’re all truly “special”. We belong to the tiny percentage of people who are ready to blow their heads off, jump in front of a train, bleed dry, or whatever shocking headline […]

This acct is the same as NeverCara, NeverCara0 and maybe some past other iterations.
I wanted to make another account on here after losing access to those past ones. I also wanted to share some thoughts on my ongoing presence here.

I am mostly one of those morally grey types whose suffering seems to be self inflicted. After looking at sites such as this one and another, not all but most of what I have seen, I cannot relate to the thoughtful, tenderhearted and curious disposition of most of its members.

I can develop those faculties, sure, but it was not a priority of […]

I have no one to turn to. Nowhere to run. Im just tired

I feel so lost. Or even more lost than I was already. I don’t know what I’m doing.

It’s mainly AI. I’m pretty sure it can already do the work I do as thoroughly (more or less), quicker, definitely cheaper. It’s just a matter of someone adapting it to that niche use, and that gaining dominance. Maybe it’s already happened, and that’s why work’s been slow lately. Or maybe that’s due to general economic precarity (another contributor to the feeling of impending doom.) I would be very surprised if I’m still getting any jobs a year from now.

And recognising that, I should be pivoting, right? I […]

I have to work today.
Labor Day, holiday in the US.
I thought I didn’t, but I do.
I can at least work from home but I’m feeling melamcholic today.

I have zero dollars. I’ve stretched myself so thin, I’m running off of slight debts atm, which is making for a rough upcoming week once it’s paid off.

I didn’t call anyone this weekend outside of one person. Wasted another weekend, again.

I’m starting to wonder about my job prospects, what my life will look like if I can’t get it together.

It’s been pissing me off for a while now.

Assuming you’re in the sad person category, ever notice how you naturally disconnect from happy people because over time you have nothing to talk about? Or maybe they’re the ones who ghost you, same reason.

I used to have lots of (happy) friends, but after life dumped on me I stopped being interested in the things they talked about, the superficial happy stuff, and likewise I’m sure they got sick of my shit, the dark philosophical gloom, and now I talk to no one.

Its feels like a weird evolutionary selection, where happy, or at least hopeful, members of society cluster in a herd while the hopeless […]

https://chat.deepseek.com/share/gxjrd020ywsjg5kmkv

i can only share it here ‘secretly’ . . .

I’m all alone now you know it’s over when your life is falling apart and you have nobody to tell nobody at all

I don’t care. He’s obviously sick and has been for decades. He’s a rageful narcissist. He’s been diagnosed, so it’s not like I’m some ungrateful brat as AA likes to think. Had to stop seeing those invalidating douchebags. Somehow living with the abuser is less painful than living with a bunch of alcoholics who invalidate me at every meeting, and every group therapy session. At least now, i don’t have a bunch of thugs from the rough side of town trying to make me feel less of a man or weak for my background. They seem to think growing up with money solves all of […]

My hands are shaking. So bad I can hardly type this. My arms, my legs too. But I won’t do it. I refuse to eat. I wont eat. I can’t

I didn’t mean to tell him, really. None of my friends were supposed to know how bad things had gotten. I had thrown everything into the mask I wear, just to crush the illusion with my own hands. I didn’t tell him everything, but I still wish he would forget that I ever said anything. What do I do?

I think my first draft (not post) was 8 years ago. Felt like I both did and didn’t belong then, an attribute I fear of this site. A need to belong and a deep sense of “I am the only one”.

One thing I’ve noticed in a very broad and generalized sense; there are people here who and “extroverts” longing for connection and then those who feel feel a longing for others despite their more “introverted” isolation.

I would count myself the former, but my heart truly aches for the latter.  I find kinship in those that speak my sometimes *too* accurate truth and experience, but I […]

I woke up and the world around me is asleep. I don’t belong here anymore.