I  December of 2022 I took 32 over the counter Aleve sleeping tablets intentionally in an attempt to end my own life! Due to post partum depression, major depressive disorder with severe and recurrent psychosis, Scitzoaffective Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, Separation Anxiety and a TBI, and the simple fact that I also have separation anxiety related to my traumatic brain injury and life events that I have been through and because I didn’t have any contact or communication with my Baby Mom who was a part of my life for 23 years until 2026 when she decided to cut all ties with me over a piece […]

When I think about how I or other people engage in others’ suffering, it almost seems like they view someone going through something as a roadside attraction. I have most likely been a target of this. A feeling of good fortune (‘that’s not me’) and a hopeful attitude of someone’s “potential” for a positive trajectory as well as interest in their unique problem(s) is the experience. Many a hero’s journey or other literary construction is what people are attracted to. That vulnerability as well – “I can talk to this person.” And maybe underneath that, “I can become codependent with them.” The codependency could be […]

We’re brainwashed in grade school to believe that being “special” is a good thing. Like it’s some badge of honor to be different from the rest, some evolutionary prize. And then they hit you with the punchline: “Everyone’s special!”

Fast forward. Not everyone is special, and that’s because nature is designed to favor conformity. The herd stays safe. The outliers get picked off.

Everyone on this site has probably realized it in some form because we’re all truly “special”. We belong to the tiny percentage of people who are ready to blow their heads off, jump in front of a train, bleed dry, or whatever shocking headline […]

This acct is the same as NeverCara, NeverCara0 and maybe some past other iterations.
I wanted to make another account on here after losing access to those past ones. I also wanted to share some thoughts on my ongoing presence here.

I am mostly one of those morally grey types whose suffering seems to be self inflicted. After looking at sites such as this one and another, not all but most of what I have seen, I cannot relate to the thoughtful, tenderhearted and curious disposition of most of its members.

I can develop those faculties, sure, but it was not a priority of […]

I have no one to turn to. Nowhere to run. Im just tired

I feel so lost. Or even more lost than I was already. I don’t know what I’m doing.

It’s mainly AI. I’m pretty sure it can already do the work I do as thoroughly (more or less), quicker, definitely cheaper. It’s just a matter of someone adapting it to that niche use, and that gaining dominance. Maybe it’s already happened, and that’s why work’s been slow lately. Or maybe that’s due to general economic precarity (another contributor to the feeling of impending doom.) I would be very surprised if I’m still getting any jobs a year from now.

And recognising that, I should be pivoting, right? I […]

I have to work today.
Labor Day, holiday in the US.
I thought I didn’t, but I do.
I can at least work from home but I’m feeling melamcholic today.

I have zero dollars. I’ve stretched myself so thin, I’m running off of slight debts atm, which is making for a rough upcoming week once it’s paid off.

I didn’t call anyone this weekend outside of one person. Wasted another weekend, again.

I’m starting to wonder about my job prospects, what my life will look like if I can’t get it together.

It’s been pissing me off for a while now.

Assuming you’re in the sad person category, ever notice how you naturally disconnect from happy people because over time you have nothing to talk about? Or maybe they’re the ones who ghost you, same reason.

I used to have lots of (happy) friends, but after life dumped on me I stopped being interested in the things they talked about, the superficial happy stuff, and likewise I’m sure they got sick of my shit, the dark philosophical gloom, and now I talk to no one.

Its feels like a weird evolutionary selection, where happy, or at least hopeful, members of society cluster in a herd while the hopeless […]

https://chat.deepseek.com/share/gxjrd020ywsjg5kmkv

i can only share it here ‘secretly’ . . .

I’m all alone now you know it’s over when your life is falling apart and you have nobody to tell nobody at all

I don’t care. He’s obviously sick and has been for decades. He’s a rageful narcissist. He’s been diagnosed, so it’s not like I’m some ungrateful brat as AA likes to think. Had to stop seeing those invalidating douchebags. Somehow living with the abuser is less painful than living with a bunch of alcoholics who invalidate me at every meeting, and every group therapy session. At least now, i don’t have a bunch of thugs from the rough side of town trying to make me feel less of a man or weak for my background. They seem to think growing up with money solves all of […]

My hands are shaking. So bad I can hardly type this. My arms, my legs too. But I won’t do it. I refuse to eat. I wont eat. I can’t

I didn’t mean to tell him, really. None of my friends were supposed to know how bad things had gotten. I had thrown everything into the mask I wear, just to crush the illusion with my own hands. I didn’t tell him everything, but I still wish he would forget that I ever said anything. What do I do?

I think my first draft (not post) was 8 years ago. Felt like I both did and didn’t belong then, an attribute I fear of this site. A need to belong and a deep sense of “I am the only one”.

One thing I’ve noticed in a very broad and generalized sense; there are people here who and “extroverts” longing for connection and then those who feel feel a longing for others despite their more “introverted” isolation.

I would count myself the former, but my heart truly aches for the latter.  I find kinship in those that speak my sometimes *too* accurate truth and experience, but I […]

I woke up and the world around me is asleep. I don’t belong here anymore.

It’s hard to kill that tiny part of yourself

that wails, longing for love

somehow i’ve managed to grow tired of my internal dialogue, but i can’t stop replaying it.

i’ve just come back from a trip with most of my close family members, and coming back to where i was before has been kind of eye opening, surprisingly. the reality which i’m living is, for lack of a better word, depressing. there’s so many things that make it that way, but one thing’s for sure: here, i feel deeply alone. it’s gotten kind of ridiculous, how lonely i feel. even on that same day i got back, i’ve felt miserable. i just can’t bring myself to do anything, […]

Especially after that new ‘Special Look’ trailer!

https://chatgpt.com/share/6a8dd816-6540-83ec-83bf-9b57cbe85c7e

I’ve been wanting to post more here for some time but a major development is going on right now taking up most of my energy, but it should wrap up in several weeks and free up more of my time.

Anyways, say you’ve been living on this earth for quite a while but have been disabled, unable to do much that is productive, with perhaps ten more years to your life. Your entire past has been the opposite of that of everyone around you. Your struggles, your life long injuries, the most important events that have made you who you are mentally and physically … society […]

Im going to do it the day of the divorce. Immediately after court. Dont when that is bc I havent been served divorce papers yet. But Im 100% certain that ill be served papers, shes made that clear. The divorce isnt completely the why of it all, but it is a large portion of it.  The straw that breaks the camel.

Why do I put this here? Idk. I dont really know any of you, and I know youre all going through things yourself. And I do wonder if anyone cares or if this is just a practice of egotism, to write things here regarding my […]