tomorrow’s my birthday. it’s cliche, but i’ve never really liked my birthday, ever since i was younger. there’s just something about it, i used to feel so excited, thinking people were gonna be more excited than i was about it, no idea why. i guess i was quick to realize that it wasn’t all that. family stuff that is just really no one’s fault and it’s not something that can be changed switches around a few expectations for lots of events and holidays. birthdays included.

nowadays i tell myself and everyone that i sincerely do not care about my birthday, that it’s just another day. but […]

This world is like some kind of prison. This existance is moody, bloody and kinda stupid. But something still keeps me a little attached to it. Things repeat. Cycles. Become aware.
I want to change these things but how. Is it possible.

I deleted her contact and all of the texts between us. Things have been so bad for me mentally as of late and I was using our past conversations to further torture myself. I really wish I could say I feel better for doing it but I just don’t. In one hour it will be around 24 hours since I did it and I still regret it so much. I know I haven’t spoken to her in 5 years and I know we were never together and she never loved me but I still miss her so much. I miss her like she’s dead. […]

(it’s in indonesian btw, my home language, i just want to share it here as sort of a ‘documentary’, ‘legacy’, or ‘proof/evidence’ of my existence… )

https://chatgpt.com/share/6acbde95-5b64-83ec-ab65-c3aa75107aef

I hate everything about myself, and I want to die. I ruin everything. There was no point to me being born.

I imagine if I could die for a little bit with the possibility to return back to life without problems when I want
I imagine if I and others could survive with just water or sunlight without having to kill anything, that would feel nice

There are mainly two reason why I will frequently post on here. One is a crisis over my career. The other is a crisis over a girl. It’s the second one this time.

I remember a few years ago going on and on and on about the one from high school. About how I wonder what I did wrong. About how she probably never cared about me to begin with. About what a mistake it was to show her this. Post after post after post. All just whining about the same thing. Eventually I got better once […]

After I took out the trash I closed my front door and just sat in the hallway. I needed to stop for a moment. Just not move or think about anything. I kept telling myself that nothing existed outside this room. Not the girl I was seeing, not the PhD programs I was applying to, not my co workers, not my parents. Nothing. And I was the only thing that existed. I kept telling myself that over and over and over again trying to make myself believe it. That way I could relax for one moment and […]

The silence, I cannot take the silence anymore. I want to scream, to wail, to cry as loud as I need. But I cannot be caught that way. So instead I force it down. There are too many things piling up, and I cannot handle it all. Im tired no matter how much I sleep. Theyre watching, and honestly, im scared. But Theres nobody I can tell any of this to. So im trapped in this suffocating silence and I just can’t take it anymore and I don’t know what to do

I don’t know if this is true in all cases, but another reason why I admire people who may be depressed is that there is strength in giving up sometimes. Who else can look reality in the face and be like, it IS bad? So many of us including myself run on hopes, and would rather live chasing life. To clarify, I’m not really talking about the phenomena of bedrotting or avoidance – I’m kind of talking about those steely people who’ve just determined nothing is going to go their way in life and who.. maybe not make peace with it but are sure of […]

I’ve come across maybe two philosophical instances that made me reflect inwardly on what I… want? from life.

One was an Alan Watts talk that spoke on how “we are the universe that is just jazzed up,” or something, and the universe is trying to see how jazzed up it can get – and that spoke to me.
It felt profound in a way I really appreciated. It’s at it’s base nihilistic – or cyclical in some way, instinctual, but… it was a description of nature that I… I guess wanted to be true to some degree at first.
I still appreciate the sentiment, […]

Literally nothing matters anymore

There was once a girl who spent years standing in front of different doors. The first door opened when she was too young to understand what entering meant. Someone on the other side called it affection. She called it love. She didn’t yet know that sometimes people invite you inside because they want something from you, not because they intend to stay. Years passed. There were smaller doors after that. School corridors. Passing glances. Names written in the corners of notebooks. Little crushes that lasted three weeks, three months, sometimes only until the next examination. Those doors weren’t necessarily mistakes. They were simply the doors […]

Got promoted recently, with a pay raise.
Old job was driving me crazy, so it’s a nice change of pace.

But now I’m feeling heavy imposter syndrome, like even if I try really hard I just can’t do it.

I hate that this is coming up rn, as I try to prep for work, but I feel like such a loser.

I have friends, but one is feeling like it’s slowly drifting away, and the other is an old ex of mine that I’m close with who found a boyfriend closer to her (former long distance relationship) who she’ll likely marry at […]

i want to talk but i don’t really want to, if that makes sense. i sometimes think i can just write on my notebook, but part of me just kind of needs to be heard by someone, anyone i guess. so, maybe that’s why i only really end up writing down my actual thoughts here. i ended up downloading a game i played about 10 years ago, because it’s characters talking to you throughout the day. kinda silly, but it helps me feel a little bit less lonely. i don’t want anyone in my life to see how much i’m struggling, but at the same […]

So I’m seeing someone now. I guess. We talk often. Haven’t seen her since the first date, but we’re planning a second one. Just going to be a while since she’s so busy. I don’t know why she likes me. I don’t know if she likes me. I’ve never been in a relationship. Not that this is one. We’ve only been on a date and texted a few times. But if this leads to something, what do I do? I know every part of me. The good and the bad. I know […]

I never figured out how to deal with the gap between what feels meaningful, and what’s realistically possible. There’s this idea you have in your mind of what you want, what it would take for you to not be miserable, what would actually be a life worth living. And then there’s what’s actually possible for you, given your capabilities, and how mentally and physically fucked up you are. Which might still be worth wanting, and a big improvement on what you have right now. But I never worked out how to accept that. How to really value the opportunities that’re actually there for you, rather […]

In the digital age, with a healthy disregard for the law, you can download and watch almost any movie that’s on public record. I’m not just talking about the box office hits but the obscure, non-Hollywood, indie, foreign or art films just as well as amateur slasher flicks and goofy stuff, whatever appeals to you.

You could conceivably spend an entire lifetime watching movies every waking hour, whenever you’re not doing whatever functional tasks that are required for survival; your hours in the movie screen could outnumber your real world hours. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing. Not in this world.

There’s a line in […]

There’s a Greek myth about this guy name Tantalus whose eternal punishment was to stand in a pool of water under a tree full of all different sorts of fruits. Every time he tried to reach up to grab a fruit, the branch would grow just out of his reach. Every time he bent down to scoop some water into his mouth, the water would recede and vanish. And he would do this forever. But imagine if for the briefest moment he got the tiniest sliver of fruit or a drop of water. And then his punishment goes on as […]

it’s been a difficult month to get through. i generally struggle a lot, but ohhhh boy it’s been heavy lately. i realize how people sometimes only ask about how you feel out of obligation, because when i actually open up about how i’m feeling, i end up on delivered for weeks. gets to a point where i just deleted the messages; it felt so embarrassing to see them every single time i open the app.

and so i won’t open up like that anymore. at least not to that same person. i’m so exhausted, i just can’t pull myself together. i’m tired of everyone expecting […]