Some years ago I went to an exceptional endocrinologist who explained to me that, despite my thyroid levels being “normal” the actual “normal” was vastly different. Apparently true normal falls within a narrower range than the mathematical average.

It took about 18 months to find the sweet spot, but once found, suddenly I was no longer depressed or suicidal. I am here now because a different endocrinologist lowered by medication.

I am not telling you that you are misdiagnosed, only that it is worth checking out. Advocate for yourself.

Give yourself grace while holding yourself accountable. Improvement can happen.

Our beloved SP admin may ban me for quoting […]

Is it hope that “things will be better?”
Is it friends/family/SO? (ie love and care)
Is it drugs/alcohol/etc to numb yourself from this world?

How do we not fall into the abyss?

i didn’t think it was possible to be in this shithole again. i thought we had matured enough to deal with this shit on our own. we had learned how to escape this, i’m sure we did escape it. right? i want to go hug maa. but alas, we’re too old for all this now. we’ve left home, we wanted freedom- we have freedom yet here we are in this forbidden sink again. till how far will we run? run from the things that matter and the people who care. how far will we lie to the ones who give a fuck? i know we […]

I’m only still alive because I’ve promised a select few that I would. Just 3 people, I’m pretty sure. While I’m immensely grateful for them and very glad to have them in my life, sometimes I regret ever making such a promise. Sometimes I even get mad at them, but I know it’s not their fault. Do they even remember making me promise? I wonder

Sorry if my post is a bit incoherent…

I’m stuck, lost and trapped in my whole A COMPLETELY LONG MAZE MIND SEEMINGLY ENDLESS AND DOESN’T GO ANYWHERE WHY AM I TRAPPED IN THIS DAMN MIND OF MINE?????????
Why do I take anyone seriously, this whole world just seems like a complete and utter clown show anyway. People are all over the place like a damn yo yo yo yo yo yo yo yo.
Can you REALLY trust anyone? LOL, no you CAN’T. (this doesn’t necessarily make people bad, that’s just how things are).

I feel like I’m just a speck of fucking dust trying to navigate, […]

I’m at that point where I can’t stand to be around my family. I knew I had a time limit before both my family and I would get like this. I was hoping to be out of here by now. I need solitude. I don’t function with other people. I never have. When I’m depressed alone, I can be alone. When I’m angry alone, I can crash out however I like. When I’m happy alone, I can do whatever I want. If for whatever reason I need people (unlikely), I’ll go look for them. I […]

I  was reversing out of my mother’s driveway. There was a guy walking by who seemed to be in another world, unaware of the car. I hit the brakes just in time. He lost his footing and stumbled over into a grass patch. ” Here what happened mate?” I said getting out of the car. ” My mistake, I didn’t see you” he said. ” No problem, there’s your phone ” I said pointing to his phone which was on the ground. ” Fuck, thanks mate ” he said picking up the phone. ” You all right man?”I said. ” Sorry man I’m stoned” he […]

THIS. Watch this video. Video is 23min, but he gets right to the meat of the issue of what’s happening in America- this manufactured rage-bait and hate against the Left-Right.

Guy explains it perfectly. He’s an ex-military chief who specializes in behavior profiling, interrogation, and Human Intelligence operations. He says this is textbook military psyops. I had thought this before even seeing this video- but this guy says what I’ve been thinking in a much more succinct way.

Does anyone remember another site around 2005 that also had a black or dark background with lighter text? It had pages categorized by methods but was more information oriented and not discussion focused. I’m not trying to look up anything, just wondering about stuff from the past.

with all this shit going on in the world and in the USA (for those of us in the US).

Life is fucking depressing unless you are
1- stupid/ignorant
2- delusional
3- lucky enough to have a good life- have enough money to not be affected or give a shit about the state of our economy or the shit that’s going on in the world

if we are aware of the bullshit and fuckery going on, how can one be happy? i mean aside from downing drugs to make ourselves into zombies?

I don’t know if it’ll ever come to anything, but I’m trying developing a video game. It’s kind of a why not me kind of moment that has been going on for a little bit. I do have a minor in computer science, and I’m told I’m a decent writer. I talked to a computer science friend and he backed the decisions I’ve made so far, but who knows if they are good ones?

Like I’m going to launch an indie game….. definitely some imposter syndrome going on.

Why do we have to be controlled by money all the time? Why are we slaves to money?

I’ve come to realize that all my self harm is emotional. I don’t have the stomach to follow through with my impulses, so instead I just lock myself in a chamber of self hate. Constant echoes of “I don’t deserve to exist”, “what if I just disappeared”, “I should just die”, “it’d be so much easier if I were just gone”. Flurries of these statements just banging around in my head at more and more alarming rates the longer this low point in my life goes on. I withhold nice things that I have because it’s “not the right time”, “I don’t deserve it” and […]

WTF is happening to America? WTF is wrong with people?

I’m no fan of the right or of conservatives (nor am I a fan of the left, at least not anymore after the last 2 elections)- but assassinating someone who isn’t even a politician and doesn’t hold any political power? He’s also not even one of the most extreme ones on the right. But he is popular with the under 30yo crowd so I do see why he was taken out, so to speak.

OFC this is causing even MORE divide among the left and right. Makes me think if this wasn’t orchestrated […]

Losing out on that job did more to me than I’d like to admit. I think I was genuinely excited to be going back and living in Boston. Coupled with more disappointment on the PhD front, this week has felt like a thousand years. At least I’ve been getting good sleep. But that’s only because my body really doesn’t want to get up. 8+ hours to feel dead. I think that’s why us depressed people love sleeping. We don’t have to be ourselves for that time. I always say this, but you never remember the exact feeling […]

Today a man told me about how his life spiraled out of control due to an injury that affected every aspect of his life: family, work, finances, physical ability, and mental health. He sought help from a mental health unit and seemed surprised when I told him that I am glad he sought help and that he made it. He expressed appreciation.

Traditional “help” had been forced upon me in the past, but I don’t think that I could give myself over to it willingly. Trust issues.

That man has my respect.

Tomorrow is “R U Ok? Day” and “Make Your Bed Day” among […]

Life is full of either fuckery or bullshit. Leading to stress. Stress resulting from lack of money or just fucking incompetence and laziness from other people. Having to deal with bullshit things like in my Rants post. Like 1-3 could’ve been avoided but noooo.

Then there’s all kinds of other bullshit we gotta deal with. Too tired to even get to that.

In the end, we are born into a life where it’s all bullshit- go to school for 12yrs, then go to college for 4 more only to be tens of thousands in debt. Then when you graduate, you either […]

1- Stupid Amazon Delivery guys keep delivering to the WRONG area. They never WALK over to MY door, just drop the package off on the ground like 20ft BEFORE my door. I have more deliveries coming so it’s a fucking issue. And usually there’s a truck but I went out right after I got the message it was delivered and there was no truck- I literally got outside 2min after it was delivered- and I couldn’t even flag down the driver to tell them to deliver to the right door next time. Next time they’re going to deliver to the wrong […]

I just lopped off about 7-8″ of hair. Just used a scissor and done. Tired of my damaged hair snagging on the brush. Also didn’t want to pay like $30 to get my hair cut. They always charge extra for “long” hair. Anything over shoulder length is considered “long” but it’s just an excuse to charge more. I’m sure it’s uneven but eh.

I do like long hair much better than short, but it’s somehow freeing to get rid of those several inches. Especially since the bottom ones are more damaged/dry/split ends.

Anyway, not an important post but […]

Things keep looking bleaker and bleaker. I didn’t get this job I was real excited for. Lab technician up in Boston. Wanted to work in a lab again. Apparently I was in the top 3. I was also overqualified. Probably what did me in. Might be arrogant to say that. Was pretty bummed. Now I have to dive back into the hellscape of looking for a job. Got like 3 calls today at least for an interview for technician roles and automation engineer. Overqualified again for that technician job. Failed the automation engineer […]