I wish I could take all of your pain onto myself so that none of you ever had to suffer again. I wish I could bring each of you your favorite comforts.

Today had the second pest control company do a quote, and I won’t be affording pest control done by anyone but me, and I  can’t see how anyone does frankly. Well, I do, people are suckers. I’m just really low financially. I didn’t realize how low I guess.

The first company came around and quoted it out at $14,000 to get rid of our rats and squirells.

I’d like to point out I could build a small house for that, and dig a shallow well and put in a chemical toilet and basic solar. Yes, I could get off grid with that kind of money. Shoot………. who […]

Every psychology text on the planet warns against isolation. And yet here we are. I say ‘we’ assuming that there are a couple others here like me who have ghosted their friends, cut off all social mingling, or in some cases quit walking out the door unless it’s an absolute necessity.

The thing is, nature seems to have built this self-destructive mechanism into us. When animals are sick or in pain what’s the first thing they do? They go off by themselves somewhere. Cats will crawl into some hole under the house, elephants go to their graveyards and pick out a plot… you rarely see sick […]

I quit. I have to. My body cant take it. No more alcohol.

I just dont get it. I go to the grocery store, and there the liquor section is staring me in the face. And I think, “this will make me feel good.” And in the moment, it does. But fuck, when the drunk wears off, sore body, tired mind, throwing up. Its like sleeping for too long and yet not getting any good rest.

I have to stop. I cant take many more mornings like this one.

In my sober moments, life is absolutely hopeless. But on the right cocktail of drugs I feel genuinely optimistic. Not just spaced out high but lucidly hopeful as if there’s a path to better days. Of course the minute the drugs wear off, it’s “break time’s over, back on your heads” if you know what I mean.

If anyone else has experienced this, what do you think it means? Are the drugs creating a wholly manufactured type of hope, a cruel mirage like the delusion of an oasis in the desert, or are the drugs freeing your mind from its prison and allowing you to see […]

ffs the signs are plain as day. Look around. Look at the universe. Forget gods, superstitions and highbrow philosophies. Look with your own eyes at nature. Nature despises an aberration. If you’re a bird that can’t fly, the dodo, your days are numbered. You’re on the endangered list because nature hates you. You’re a mutant, something went wrong, but no problem, nature will steamroll over you just like it steamrolls over all other creatures that don’t fit in.

Your best hope to survive nature’s tyranny is to blend in with a herd. Be like the rest. Be like one of those little fish that swim in […]

I was in a bind. Perhaps it was paranoia on my part but I suspected something was amiss in my pursuit of prescriptionsl sleepers. I decided to act on that feeling cancelled where I was going and requested an appointment with a female doctor, strict as fuck, cold, the Thatcher level of iron lady ruthlessness. I had two hours to go before a showdown with the iron lady. This was a situation from hell and I often find that when a situation from hell is thrust upon one without warning one purely through no choice steps up to the challenge. This doctor was the harshest […]

Ugh…I feel like shit this morning. I drank myself another bottle of rum last night. Drunk texted people, made a mess of whatever I had socially. Physically drained. Emotionally sad. God, I HAVE to stop drinking alcohol. Just…nothing good comes from it.

In the beginning there were floppy drives, remember floppy drives? 3.5″ and 5″ floppy drives I’m old enough to remember and we all had them. Early days of memory you had to use them to load your games and save your work. Then briefly zip drives, an attempt to create denser media, they didn’t catch on but my parents were data nerds so we had them. USB drives came next, those live on to today which is a small miracle.

The next stage in optical media were CD-Roms. Ah, my middle childhood. Not as flexible either literally or metaphorically. One scratch and you’re screwed. I must […]

Death can be so sudden sometimes. Still remember a summer two years ago due to someone who was quite important in another community just suddenly kicking the bucket at a rather young age, in their 20s or so, intentionally it seemed. Now, having it pop up in my mind, I look at all the posts a second time. I couldn’t have seen it coming from those necessarily alike how, for many other events in life that aren’t death related, in terms of interactions, we also can’t really see such stuff coming at least in a way that would be “guaranteed”, there’s a lot of stuff […]

I do things I’m ashamed of, as a way to escape the sadness that frequently envelops me. Because nothing else works. Nothing else changes my experience in the short term. Nothing else is exciting. Nothing else feels worthwhile. Nothing else has meaning.

The things that I do are not ok. Not because they have negative impacts on anyone else. But because they involve feeding a side of me that shouldn’t exist. They involve thoughts that no one should ever have. And even as one part of me is excited and satisfied, I feel the shame rising up. And the shame becomes the reason for the sadness.

The […]

My worthless birthing person kicked me out the household Monday because I couldn’t pay HER wifi bill. Which is $700. Yet here i am unemployed and LOOKING for a job unlike her. My friend is letting me crash on her couch. For a week. Anyway i hate my “mom” and and she did this bullshit after my birthday on April 11th im a 28 year old homeless woman for my birthday. I fycking hate her. But I know bad karma is coming her way soon. Pray for me guys. Later.

I know why I dont fit in. Its because Im a 30-something year old nothing. Im supposed to be fit, and graduated, and have a vehicle. Im supposed to have made something of myself (I used to think that was just an expression). But im none of those things. Instead, im someone who was too afraid and apathetic to apply for college. Someone who did drugs and lived in my moms basement until I was 25. Someone who was convinced they were transgender but wasnt. Someone who went to prison.

Im a complete freak. A nobody. The internal nobody.

There are those who will say, “none of […]

Life is bullshit.
Life is rigged.
Life is unfair.
Life is too much stress.
Life is lonesome for those who are misunderstood or not understood.

Life has too many problems. Or at least those who aren’t wealthy enough to just buy their way out of some problems.

Self-Diagnosed.

Therapy Helped.

Gave Me Drugs

To Keep Me Sane.

They Alter The Dosage.

I Feel Fine.

I Feel Fine?

The Darkness Grabs Me.

Mind Grows Heavy.

Is It Back?

Can I Ever Be Fine?

The Hands Drag Me In.

Am I Worth Saving?

Anger Fires Up Inside.

I’m Stuck.

In A Loop.

I’m Going Nowhere.

But I Don’t Want To Leave.

I use to hang out on this site a lot a long time ago. I was once suicidal, longing to die, but then I got help and received disability benefits. My life has been better. The best way to describe my depression is that I’ve learned to manage the symptoms, but it’s not gone. It’s easier for me to post here. I hope to God that the people in my life don’t find this post. This is going to be a doozy.

Anyway, I believe that I am asexual. I’ve done the research because I knew that something wasn’t right. It’s normal for people […]

Sorry about my posts lately. I need to stop drinking.

I know what it is of course, it’s that if you watch certain sorts of videos on Youtube, Youtube will show you more things of that sort, and if you talk about things, search for things, Google can pick them up. So there’s no mystic forces here.

I spent a fair amount of time trying to figure out how far someone would have to fall to be certain they would die. It was a suicidal project, and so of course when the video arrived it was pre-empted by a Better Help ad, now that’s some good tie in marketing. Only suicidal people think about death as […]

Time and again, I find myself asking: “How could a creature this wretched and miserable not kill himself?”

And the obvious answers are survival instinct, a blind and deeply rooted fear of death, along with attachment to delusional fantasies of a life worth living.

And those don’t seem like very good reasons. It kind of feels like if that’s all that’s keeping me here in such misery, I “should” find some way to overcome those inhibitions and end it.

But that then raises questions of what that “should” is based on, if not personal preference. And all I can really come up with in terms of a moral […]