I think I’m sensitive to time. It bothers me when I’m told something will happen within a set time and it doesn’t. It annoys me when people are late to things. Especially when something this important is hanging over my head. Another autistic trait? Or maybe just plain neurosis. I don’t know. Every single day feels like a thousand years. Nights are probably the worst. Nothing on Youtube. No tv shows I want to watch. Games are boring me. Started sending out applications. Can’t find the motivation to fill out simple forms. […]

bc I am NOT feeling ANY of it… -_-

Was thinking of moving to Mexico bc America is too bloody expensive. But there’s riots now in Mexico where they want Gringos OUT bc Gringos keep moving in and increasing the cost of living for the locals. I mean I see their plight but I need to escape the high costs of USA. I guess technically I’m not a “Gringo” as I am not white, but I’d still be a foreigner, and there’s as much anti-foreigner sentiment there right now as there is anti-foreigner sentiment here in the US.

I would love to try out Hawaii, but Hawaii is expensive AF, so…idk. […]

Yesterday was kind of a lot. There’s been a lot in my head I’ve been kind of just holding in, I know, I know I should just talk to people about stuff, it gets harder with the heat and the stress, I’m so low right now. Not sure if I’m suicidal or not, not expressing it if I am. Keeping it all packed down inside. Until it spills out, like it did yesterday.

The kid was pulling my hair and beard, I was getting in trouble for his toilet problems again, and for another kid, I’d been decheduled on a Friday for the third week running […]

It’s starting to get to me. I’ve emailed 3 times and nobody is willing to do anything or answer. I fucked myself by submitting at the beginning of summer. I’ve been forgotten. Plain and simple.

Ok- so while many people are still capable of having a job and outwardly appearing to have their shit together- how many of those ppl are mentally fucked up / going through shit / or have issues?

Like just reading stuff online where ppl post anonymously either venting or asking for advice- I feel like maybe 2/3 of all ppl have messed up lives and like only 1/3 are normal / have happy lives. I mean, obviously I don’t know the actual percentages but I think WAY more ppl are fucked up than what we think.

Just read an advice post where this guy’s wife named […]

Had a bit of a mental trip about 2 days ago.

I didn’t sleep much or well the past 2 or 3 days before than, and then passed out and woke up a whole half hour after my shift.

Texted my boss and apologized about being late, and luckily am able to do remote work, so I sat there for a minute, hands on my head, eyes bugged out, fucking losing it.

I got through the day, and I think I finally did get some sleep yesterday, so I was early to work today. That being said, all these thoughts swirling around, and no matter what I watch […]

People will always think that I am stupid. No matter how many times I debunk it, they will always believe it. Maybe even get some cognitive dissonance.

Do you know how many times people have asked if someone drove me to a certain place? Why? Because they don’t believe that I’m capable of driving myself. I get so damn annoyed that I’m just going to play the ask a question, get a stupid answer game for now on. They already think I’m stupid, so why not?

At the church, me and my mom were visiting. Everyone there wanted me to join the Special […]

Apparently a characteristic of Autism is that a person has trouble regulating their emotions and can feel them intensely. I still have doubts about of psychiatrist’s diagnosis, but it makes me think of those high stress moments I’ve had in my life. I am honestly ashamed of how I reacted to a lot of them. Those moments of frustration I had in the lab. I think I’d die if anyone caught me acting the way I did. Like a child’s tantrum. That time I got rejected in high school after confessing to a girl. I had to go […]

Quick rant. I hate being a lesbian woman. It feels so isolating. None of my friends are lesbians. I have a gay (male) friend and one of my friends is bisexual but none are lesbians. They talk about men all the time and I feel so out of place because I can’t relate to that. Whenever I say I’m sick of hearing about men all the time they get mad at me. Fair I guess. They can’t help but being attracted to men. But god does it feel so lonely. Even excusing the lesbian thing we don’t have much in common. I’m aware that […]

Letting my body die whenever it wants because I won’t do it

i’ve been struggling a lot lately. honestly i don’t really know what to do. or well, i kinda do. like, i know what i should do, but i also don’t want to actually do that. kinda complicated, but not really.

sometimes i think, i really shouldn’t’ve started to date people. so far, it’s only made my life miserable. or maybe it’s me. i’m a common denominator after all i guess. i mean it’s not like i’m perfect, obviously. but to not even ask the other person how they’re doing? it feels pretty different.

long distance makes things even worse, because no matter how many times i […]

Sent an email today since it was the 10 week mark. They passed it over to the assistant head (?) of the department. Hopefully he checks his emails regularly. A part of me is hoping I get rejected. The thought of having to be around those people again. It’s unpleasant to think about. Getting a job means a new slate. But it’s not what I want to do. I think. Being this stagnant for this long has started to weigh on me. I could’ve been productive, but I haven’t. July has only begun, but […]

Anybody got anything funny? In need of a laugh…sigh…

I first heard that term when Chelsie Kryst jumped off a highrise in Manhattan. She was Miss America 2019, tv star, model, etc, and who knows what other endeavors, but suicide won out.

Although I’m not a celebrity, I can totally relate because I’m in a high stress career with tons of responsibilities on my shoulders in addition to keeping my own personal responsibilities on track. I think that’s why nobody around me recognizes that I’m so fucking depressed I obsess over suicide every hour of the day. The stereotype of the depressed person is someone who lays in bed all day or whatever, and here’s […]

Suicide is an addiction. Once you’ve attempted it but just didnt make it… It is always in the back of your mind. Every day it is another option you can put on a to do list. As if you quit smoking and crave it every day but you just don’t fire one up even if you desire it so much. But if you just dont want to be here anymore…its that option. Next time perhaps?

Next Tuesday is the tenth and final week. I should’ve gotten an answer by now. It’s not coming tomorrow. 4th of July. Everyone is off. Doubt it’s going to show up Monday or Tuesday. If it’s a no, I wish they would’ve just given it to me already. Want to move on with my life. Probably should’ve been looking for either a job or an apartment this whole time. Instead I’ve been sitting on my ass waiting for a response from people who probably don’t even want me in the first place.

Every time I […]

Little jerk forced me into a lie today, and I was kind of impressed at it. One of my favorite kids so to be clear the little jerk thing is a term of endearment. He’s one of the smartest kids I work with so he does make little asides that surprise me from time to time.

“Why do adults never brush their teeth”, a comment about my bad breath….. and he got me. I’ve had a headache most of the day and I’m bad at lying to him, so I admitted to having bad breath and not brushing my teeth. What I didn’t tell him was […]

other men get full up on food and good things and might talk about battles they won, or trophies, but me, I end up talking about nineties cartoons and Native American legends……. because I’m a fucking nerd.

I’ve believed in the potential of “Kid Friendly” (This is the actual name of the Character I’m discussing, to prevent a bunch of Abbott and Costello level confusion) From the 90s hit Angry Beavers for a long time now.

The ballad was sung by Waylon Jennings for pity sake, it was my introduction to him as a singer. I loved the bit about killing people with kindness, it was just […]