So I went to see my regular doctor for the first time in a few years, and that wasn’t fun. Which is why I don’t like to do it. I have to go again next month. At least it’s free. They also aren’t giving me any medications, so that’s an upshot too. They’re just poking me and this time they took blood, and that sucks.

This next visit on Friday shouldn’t be nearly as much of a pain. I’m just going to get my medications checked up on. They decide if they want to change anything. I’m hoping they keep things the same, because I take […]

And this is why I have never attempted.

*If you are squeamish, do NOT watch this video*
*Video From Inside Edition:

There was also this lady IRL who I’d see all the time taking the same bus I do in downtown where I used to live. Her face was all blown off too. She had aimed the barrel into her mouth. She apparently attempted and survived, and now her face, and i’m assuming her throat, trachea, mouth etc all messed up.

I’ve known many people who have attempted. All of them lived. The ONLY person that succeeded was a friend of […]

In a way, I’m looking down on him by pitying him. I don’t want to do that, but man do I feel fucking bad for him. The other guy I work with on my shifts is pretty good. Can’t understand a damn thing he says half the time cause of his accent, but he’s pretty cool. I don’t know how long he’s been a technician, but he’s a tech 3 meaning he’s a senior level position so he’s been at this a while. He mentioned he was working at another warehouse before this one. That place actually had robot […]

What words would you use to describe life?

Miserable? Or wonderous?
Out of reach or full of possibilities?
Unfair and unjust? Or is it fair enough?
Cruel or “it’s just the way it is”?
Do you fight it or just accept it?

What other words would you use?

Do you feel alone in this world?
Misunderstood?
Uncared for?
An outcast?

Nothing makes me happy anymore. I used to love playing violin, but it doesn’t bring me joy anymore. I used to sing, but now I barely talk. I used to draw, but my art has turned into scribbles and shadows. I love my friends, but I’m constantly reminded that I don’t really belong with them. I’m not living. Just existing. And I hate it.

When you’re tired of the world and it’s materialistic traps that never satisfy you. When you want to experience impossible things and not be so limited. Things like flying, visiting other worlds, being invisible, no health problems, live how long you want, world peace, perfect harmony, go wherever you want, be how strong and fast you want, no disease existing in the world, experience being other lifeform, etc.
What else would you like to experience?

How do you escape a hole you dug yourself into? I cannot talk to my friends because I am afraid of being reported or ignored again. I cannot show the slightest bit of unhappiness around my parents or they will send me back to the hospital. I can’t even try to die yet because I am still afraid of what they’ll do to me if I fail. But I can’t stay like this either. I hate myself more than anyone in the world, and almost nobody notices that I exist. I am trapped and I want nothing more than to escape these chains somehow.

i have only realized quite a while ago that what ive been and am going through is genuine real abuse. though even before that point, each time i asked for help it was ignored completely. with this and all other failures in my life, how am i not meant to think that its all worthless
i am tired of needing to be strong and im tired of hearing about how brave i am for “keeping it going” when nothing is going anywhere
i sometimes do consider asking for just a little more help but the want to is always intertwined with this fundamental fear of […]

Am I just not good enough to be with anyone?

I have friends, and a good family, but I lack in the relationship department.

I keep mulling over if I should be trying to find a girlfriend, thinking if I should start a family…

I’m getting older. Idk how much of it is biology, but I think about it a lot lately.

I’m perfectly fine being alone. I don’t want kids. This is the most solitude I’ve had in years. I’m not sure though. The one person I wanted, that I still want, is thousands of miles away, with someone else, and does not feel the same.

I don’t like […]

Most conflicts boil down to the conflict between the mind and the body. The conflict between imagination, feelings, expectations versus the material, limited matter, bodies.
Reality is more powerful than our minds. Reality wins so watch out. Look around you, take it in, don’t stay in your thoughts too much.

Well, life decided I needed more loss this holiday season. I had already lost a cat before Thanksgiving, right after my wife and I had our five year anniversary, but that wasn’t enough, the hits keep on coming. I woke up less than a few days before Christmas and my dog was dead in my bed. He wasn’t even old, or that sick that I thought, but, you know, life. It likes to rip away your only remaining comforts.

The thing about it is, I had put a lot of myself into that dog, he was my closest companion and friend. He was as close as […]

Have you ever considered that nature selects psychopaths? That “survival of the fittest” leads to the perpetuation of psychopathic genes? Humans or animals or plants who are the most ruthless tend to survive. “Nice“ animals do not survive but the most ruthless and selfish do. The same applies for humans.

Hence Why so many humans are so selfish and greedy and ruthless. Nature selects for those attributes. Just take a look at those two video clips below. There’s many more like it but life in the animal world is brutal. Seems like nature selects for the biggest assholes.

Two Random But Poignant Nature Clips I […]

I lost track. I think I have 21 weeks left. Pretty sure. I keep a notebook in my work locker. Originally it was to take notes on things, but there’s not much to take notes on. So now I just use it to write down my thoughts when we aren’t doing anything. Like this place. By 6 months, it should be full of my angry, sad, depressing thoughts. But I guess it’s also helping me work through my thoughts on everything.

Work is dreadful as usual. Getting up at 3 in the morning is getting […]

Why is life so complicated? Why can’t the pain just stop? What have I done to deserve this endless suffering?

Im not enjoying my life. Maybe I want too much, or expect too much.

What would you do?
(aside from self-suicide. and if you had god-like powers, would you even want suicide?)
(let’s say you can only do 3 things, rather than unlimited things for all eternity)

So 2025 is over. How was this year for me? Pretty fucking awful to be honest. I started off the year trying to work on CLARA. I stayed behind in Worcester because I naively thought that I could finish up CLARA in time to publish a paper. It didn’t work out. Just like the other couple of chances I had. So I missed Christmas and New Years for nothing. I started off the actual new years at the barcade I frequented. Bunch of happy people who rang in the new year with me standing awkwardly to […]

i’m curious, i found this place completely by accident.