I’m tired. I’ve spent the last four months shuffling back and forth between cities. I have a new relationship that takes up a lot of my time. I’ve neglected myself. I haven’t read for pleasure in months. Forget going to the gym, I haven’t run for any reason at all in weeks. I’m finally home and my exams are over. I suddenly have very little to do, and though I was looking forward to it, I don’t want to do anything. I miss both my cities. I don’t care much what I eat. I have more decisions to make about where to work and stay […]

From @Virus.Found:
“Where did my time go? Can I go back in time?” Very much this. Realising how long it’s been, how old I am, desperately wanting to go back.”

From @thehusk:
“will I be able to still make something out of it?” The older I get, the clearer it becomes how limited the future I’ve created for myself is. I have to face that most of my desires aren’t attainable anymore, if they ever were. That my chances of even scraping the minimal amount of contentment are highly unlikely, and in most cases the best I can do is try to find some way to […]

Turned out to be a man of his word, that is corrupt as fuck, which is just what one needs when it to comes to an insurance scam, particularly house insurance. I showed him around the house, ” You need to splash some water there, loosen a tile or two, put in a nice little coffee stain here” he said. Like anything in life you never know whether a plan will come to fruition or not. He mentioned a figure, a figure I found very pleasing, 12 grand. He wanted 10 percent as his cut. To make a long story short I got the whole […]

Today, I had to present on an article in class. In short, it was a disaster. The main problem was in that I did not explain the article from the perspective that the teacher expected it to be. It’s not the first time, I have focused on the wrong perspective. It could literally be a feature of my life. I just don’t understand why do I always see things so differently. Like how am I suppose to fit into society?

As I sit here, anhedonia set in about an hour ago, and there’s not much to do then apart from sit and think. I mean, there’s tons of stuff to do, I just don’t feel like I’m doing it, works great for chores, but it’s too late to be ambitious like that.

Funny thing, you fence something off, sooner or later that fence is gonna tempt ya, or is it just me?

I haven’t had a job in a year, haven’t tried for anything since August. It’s somewhat intentional, I’m still pretty POed about the last few attempts I made at working. I mean my last job […]

It’s hard to not be defined by your bad past choices. They shape who you are in the present.

Whereas everyone else in my family earned qualifications, built careers, formed relationships, created families…

I dropped out, isolated myself, ruined my mind and my body, and alienated myself from humanity. I’m a 36-year-old with less social experience than the average 15-year-old. On top of which I’ve built a whole host of negative traits in the time I should’ve been doing normal life stuff.

I don’t have the experience of functioning in a relationship. I don’t know what that’s like. I don’t know what it’s like to have close friendships. […]

hey @Plainwhite, I read that post before you deleted it. I feel the same fucking way.

I can’t. I JUST CAN’T ANYMORE!!!

So I just put in a search for a former friend of mine from College/JHS. Apparently she is now the DIRECTOR of Information Security at some company. FUCKING A. She was my friend but she is dumb as a rock. By dumb I mean DUMB. This girl LITERALLY flunked out of my university for having <2.0GPA. Her GPA was a 1.7. That’s a COMBINED AVG over a 2 year period. Four semesters of consistently flunking everything.

She got kicked out and had to transfer to another school. She went […]

Next week everything is due. I’m beyond fucked. Both projects are absolutly no where near finished. For the first project I really screwed up. I basically sandbagged my partner several times that kept the project from going. He would probably have gotten more done if I didn’t insist that I could get it done. He also has two other projects to work on.

For the second project, I rolled the worst dice imaginable with my partners. One of them is an “influencer” getting paid to make “content” so he can’t do fuck all. The other just […]

Last night, whew, one of the most frightening in this home. Also, anyone who thinks I should be fine, having a home, I’d like them to try living with a back fence neighbor like Mitch. Oh yeah, learned  his name this week, from one of his neighbors, and found out that stealing utilities and literally anything not nailed down is only one small part of his criminal empire, which also includes meth. Fun!

So last night I’m trying to play DnD with friends online, and my wife hears a scream from the back yard. I didn’t realize the headphones I had muffled everything, but I did […]

I miss being that special person. Someone’s favorite. I miss mattering that much to a person. To her. She said I made her feel like she mattered, like she was worth loving. She made me feel that way too. And now she’s gone. I really doubt she’s coming back this time. I have stuff I got on her birthday still, April 1st, in my closet. I was going to give them to her once we were able to see each other again irl. I still have the bear she gave me. I still have the necklace I made in art class I was going to […]

When i was 17 years old i was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. Before I was 17 years old I was the walking definition of the disorder. When I was 15 years old it was “suggested” that I had bpd but I was too young to be diagnosed. Don’t be tricked I was a month from turning 18 when I got officially diagnosed with the disorder so technically I was the correct age to be diagnosed with a personality disorder. Quite recently I lost my favourite person, they left me, abandoned me. They were my best friend and my girlfriend. They were beautiful and sweet […]

I can feel the light inside me suffocating.

I see a lot of us on the site have overthinking brains or some form of imagination, seeing ourselves in different scenarios and what not. My question is: What separates us from animals?

We are animals. At the end of the day we are wired to eat, sleep, survive, and reproduce eventually to keep ourselves alive and move our genes into the next generation.

Our brains can reason and imagine in ways not seen in any other creature on the planet. The fact that people want more than that to live their lives, the complexities of how drastically different other humans are, even […]

That’s me. Frank fucking Grimes.

https://screenrant.com/the-simpsons-villains/#frank-grimes
“Frank Grimes isn’t really a bad person, and that’s the problem. He has worked hard his entire depressing life and feels like he deserves more, especially when he meets his moronic new co-worker Homer after getting a job at Springfield power plant. Franks’s jealousy of Homer’s large house, beautiful family and amazing adventures is what sends the hateful feller into an early grave. There is a lesson for us all there. Not sure what that lesson is but it must be something.”

https://simpsons.fandom.com/wiki/Frank_Grimes
“Homer had a comfortable life, a polite family, an adorable baby, a genius daughter, a […]

When were you happy (if ever)?
When did you become depressed? How long has it been?
Do you think you’ll ever attain lasting happiness? What would make you happy?

I read disturbing stories, often just looking for something to feel. Usually it’s horror. So if horror specifically dealing with suicidal people sounds like a yuck thing, bail, nothing else of value here.

BTW, before I get into my hypothetical, if you’re looking for a full length book on the subject, The Black Farm is both substantially disturbing, and dealing with suicide. I need to reread that. The guy wrote a sequel, but I’m less than enthused about that.

It’s the first story in the collection You Know It’s True by JR Hamantaschen , a story called; “I should have been a pair of ragged claws / […]

i don’t even want to do anything. nothing seems fun. my games, my art, my music, my writing, the videos i watch. my body won’t even let me sleep the day away. the people above our apartment continuously scream and stomp and body slam into the floor, which is just so awesome. mom and stepdad have been fighting. even better. I can’t even use the normal fucking laundry basket because of it. jokes on them, i haven’t changed out my clothes in days. i’m bored, but there’s nothing fun to do. even my typical things. my comfort things. nothing is fun anymore. everything is so bleak […]

My deepest intimacies are shared with the blank page on my computer screen. I confide in it things I keep from my own family. In a way, you are my closest friend that I’ve ever had.

Some things just have to be confessed to the world. When I was in 4th class aged 9 there was an ongoing occurrence of someone deliberately missing the urinal and going all over the lavatory floor. This lavatory was adjacent to my classroom so the culprit could have only come from my class. The teacher, who was female so by nature even more gullible than 9 yr old boys came up with the following plan to catch the culprit. This grown woman, if I recall correctly about 35 and in no way fuckable although I do recall I would often stare at her big boobs […]