Are you lonely? Does it bother you? If yes then what do you do to not feel lonely?

A lot of people say that nobody really knows what they’re doing and they’re all just trying to get by. I’ve said that before to some people. But I really really don’t know what I’m doing. I have these degrees don’t really mean anything. Couldn’t tell you a single fucking thing I learned. And I haven’t really kept up with anything either. Like study my old notes I lazily downloaded from canvas. So basically I’m unemployable. I already knew this but when I choked on that interview test a month ago, it really put the nail in […]

I don’t know if the higher dosage of my depression meds have kicked in or I’ve gotten over my latest round of rejections, but I’m not feeling as bad as I was last week. Not amazing, but not bad either. Just kinda middling. But the thing is I don’t really want to get better. Life is full of ups and downs. I get that. But I just want off the ride. It’s why I pushed myself so hard last year to kill myself. And the ups and downs don’t change the fact that I’m an unemployable dumb-ass […]

it’s been a complicated time honestly. a few good things and a few stressful ones

for one, i found a job! started on oct 1st. it’s been going alright, coworkers are pretty nice and it’s a good atmosphere i think. it’s been pretty challenging though, i can’t lie. every day is a bit hard, but i’m kinda getting into the rhythm of it i guess. so, all good there!!

on the other hand, october tends to be a kind of shitty month for me lol. not a big fan of my birthday, so i always end up dreading it before and ruminating about it for the remainder […]

I had the most pointless psychiatric appointment today. I decided to be upfront about my depression and suicidal ideations. Didn’t see any point in not doing so. It was what he was being paid for. But I forgot how pointless it was to tell him. Got the usual spiel. Have you tried taking a break? Exercise regularly? Would it help to increase the dosage? Pointless. Apparently he’s going to send me a list of therapists as well. I thought I was paying extra so he could do psychotherapy as well. I guess he […]

How accurate are the psychiatrists when they can’t even distinguish between a real patient and one that is normal?

So many people get misdiagnosed ALL the time. Like worse than the weatherman in the 90s (when the forecasts were just as likely to NOT occur than did).

Well I turned down the job offer from that defense start up. I kept putting it off because it was the first job offer I got from a legit engineering company. It hurt. But I’m not going to help create a system meant for killing people. Especially not for the Trump administration. Now I probably won’t get lucky again for another 4+ months. I hate this. I think the scariest thing is maybe if I didn’t turn it down and ended up working for them, I wouldn’t feel anything about what I did. I clearly have a […]

Why do we have to use drugs, which have bad side effects, because reality sucks? If reality was great, we wouldn’t need these things.

Today was my father’s birthday. All we did was go out to eat and have a cake my mom made. He doesn’t need a whole lot. It was my family and my Grandma. Once we had the cake and my grandma was ready to leave to go home, she gave me this bookmark with a prayer on it. Prayer to St. Anthony. She’s a devout Catholic. People have been treating me different lately. I don’t ever feel the need to fake being happy when I’m clearly not, so people can tell when something is “wrong” with me. […]

Am I suicidal?

I have so much control over my self harm impulses. Monday I was put to the test by the job market, and I don’t know if I like how it came out, but because I have people to care for the self harm and suicidal impulses lost. However I came out without hurting myself, at least physically. I beat myself up a significantly emotionally and mentally, not that anyone apart from my care team cares.

Here’s the deal; I’m supposed to be this talented, skilled and intellectually capable somewhat young person, willing to work and all the things that society says should be able […]

I just don’t have anymore motivation to apply for jobs. I already didn’t want to go into industry, now I’m not even welcome there. Originally I didn’t think it would be too difficult to find some mid company to work for and do the bare minimum for. I have these moments of arrogance that go completely against my extreme lack of self confidence. I get the crippling anxiety that comes with no confidence with the shortsightedness of my arrogance. There are literally no companies that I find interesting to work for. They all just blend together saying and doing […]

That is a lot of days. One thousand, six hundred, and seventy one.

I have nearly killed myself accidentally by self medicating. I have almost been killed, and I have never quite carried through with plans to kill myself. I have chosen life 16071 days and that is something to be proud of.

I chose life on the worst of days. I chose life on the best of days. I chose life for whatever reason, but mostly because I loved a person/s so much that I could not inflict the level of pain I felt onto them, because I decided to stop choosing life.

And the worst fear […]

Would you do it?
a- What if you saw yourself even worse off and depressed than now?
b- What if you saw yourself having a meh life- not great but not bad
c- What if you saw yourself having a happy, great life?

Daylight savings genuinely ruin my mental health. I usually wake up later in the morning, around 11 am, not by choice but due to my awful circadian rhythm.

Anyways, due to this I get at most, like, 5-6 hours of daylight before it’s pitch black again. I genuinely hate living in a densely populated city, the light pollution is so intense that there’s no night sky at all. Horribly depressing. There’s no seasons here either, I live in the south where I get to choose between summer, summer 2, or summer with occasional leaves falling.

Afterwards, my dad gets home from work to blast Fox News all […]

I’m inching closer to being quarter of a century old, two years shy in fact. Yet I have no accomplishments or major goals in life. Around this time, people would be graduating college and finding employment, but here I am in my state of arrested development, hiding in my room. I had thought I’d be far, far away from home by now. Either that or I wouldn’t make it to see eighteen, but I was too fearful to make either choice. I’ve been waiting around a week for a job to call me back after an interview, but the more time passes the […]

That thing, is toilets, or actually, chamber pots.

So our idiot president decided to renovate the Lincoln Bathroom in the White House, spending tax payer money on a stupid project while millions starve during a government shutdown he created which is a whole other rant. The point is that he redid it in white marble with gold accents, and his claim was that this was more close to what Lincoln would have had than what was there before.

For the record, what was there before was an art deco bathroom put in in the 1940s when modern plumbing was introduced to the White House.

So you know what […]

What is the exact threshold of pain a person needs to pass before they commit? I mentioned before therapists have described my suicidal ideation as a safety blanket. Something I turn to to feel comfortable when things are hard. The idea that I have an exit was soothing. But as much as I fantasize, I never actually do anything. All these years and I’ve never had a legitimate suicide attempt. Don’t know if fear or hope or stubbornness has held me back. Last year I got the bright idea to find the threshold. Throw myself completely and totally […]

If you read this, Jenil. Stay in contact with people if you can. Keep talking to people.  I love you so much. You are amazing. This world needs you.  I need you too..  hit me up on FB, if you can see this

Anyone who cares, he’s still here. Please reach out and help him to stay. I beg you.  His name here is jenbrown

He turned it in with like 2 hours to spare. Fucking ridiculous. Whatever. Putting off sending him another email cause I need to remind him about the second reference letter he needs to write and I feel like that will just annoy him more than my dozen reminder emails. Got to do it today though.

So I’ve only really though about passively dying but lately things have gotten so bad that I I’m starting to look for routes. Haven’t done that since I came up with the chemical asphyxiation plan last year. I’m starting to stare at all […]

I gave him a two month notice. Two months. And he still couldn’t turn in the reference material in on time. It’s due tomorrow at like 8 AM and I doubt he’ll fucking get it in on time. He said he’d turn it in two weeks ago and then he didn’t then this past Wednesday and then he didn’t and then yesterday and then he didn’t. What does it even matter. I never had a chance anyways. So it’s not like this ruined anything. I’d say I hope he managed to get in the other one on […]